I am just a fucking snarly mess of emotions. Honest to fucking god.
One minute I am so damn happy, I embrace the love I have for him/her and swing it around and just feel JOY. And then I can get hit in the guts and feel winded, reeling, sick, despondent.
I did some work for the boy side today, surfed tumblr, facebook, fetlife… my social media haunts. I was cleaning out my email, and I found a bunch of old conversations between Darth and I. I look at the dates, and I imagine who else he’s messaging while we’re having these exchanges. It had been awhile since I hurt. But it made me think about being unable to be everything to a person. And then thoughts go to Misty/boyside…
I can’t be everyone, but I want to be the person s/he wants to explore with.
I want to be strong enough to be on the side… but it hurts SO FUCKING MUCH. S/he has said to me, “I don’t think you’ll be able to do it, be happy with things long term.”
I keep thinking, for this, for us, for her/him, I can do this! But what are we? Sometimes, making shit up as you go is really fucking hard. There is nothing I can call us. He has said (paraphrased), “I can’t see myself telling you I love you, since it would cause too much destruction with Wife. The pain it would cause outweighing the good.”
I bring pain when brought in completely. Well doesn’t that just fucking suck zombie dick for free.
We had a quiet, not so kinky, more lovey night last night. We cuddled and slept after some yummy sex. We didn’t really talk about things. We chatted about miscellaneous shit on his drive home. He let me go as he got in, and said as he hung up, “talk to you tomorrow”, and I didn’t think anything of it. I sent him a few shmoopy texts, and he hasn’t responded. Which is unlike him. Really? Tomorrow? Why?
One of the things about social media, and life with smart phones, is that when someone doesn’t respond to you, and yet are doing things in other social media platforms, it can feel terrible. Especially if it’s your significant other. This was absolutely CHRONIC of Darth. At first it didn’t bother me, but then, after the lies and the realization of what was happening - the whole while being told, “Don’t worry, it’s nothing.”, well, a girl develops a complex. It’s only paranoia when it’s not true.
I feel like I am just too damn much. That I want too damn much. I feel suffocating to myself. When I get into this headspace, I don’t know how to fix myself. I feel so stupidly, broken. I feel like a drowning person. In emotional sewage.
We had a conversation the other night about love. He told me how good it feels to be loved by me. And during the conversation, where he suggests I find someone else to fill up my life (people aren’t fucking gas - and I’m not interested in imaginary scenarios where I meet someone), I’m not sure how we got there, but I said, “I would not want someone to love me, if I didn’t love them in return. That would make me feel terrible!” I wouldn’t.
I’m going to have a hot bath, think about the run I need to do today. See if I can’t get my pace up. Cry. Get fucking angry with the universe. Hug my kids. And try to hold my shit together.
So far failing.