It was a weekend that will go down in the annals of the clan gatherings as one of the very best. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard, felt so surrounded by love. I wished Misty was there with me many times. I wished that a lot. I wanted to share my amazing family with him/her and visa versa. Sharing my joy with him/her. Being seen together.
A strange thing happened at the wedding… I had, what I like to call, a celestial shovel hit me in the face. There were Ben and Leah, and all my jaded anti-marriage-ness melting under the power of their vows. They were using words like “Partners in Crime” and “Adventuring together” - words I use with Misty and her/him with me. And I was overcome with feeling alone. I wanted, in that moment, for Misty/Boy side to take my hand and tell me he loves me and wants to spend as long as we have together. Me. I wanted that crazy shit. I know, I have a hard time believing it too… but the hard part is that I still do. I don’t want *all* of him/her, but I want more.
There is no fucking road map for our relationship - no benchmarks, no obvious next steps/stages. I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know if what I want is possible. S/he wants me relax and go slowly. The hard part is that I know what I want, and when I do, I want to kick it into gear. I feel the tickity-fucking-tock of time slipping away. I don’t want to wait. I want him/her in my bed and in my life MORE.
Not all. Just more.
I want to love him/her out loud. I want to post pics of us on facebook. I want my family to know about my life, not all of it (whaaaaat, you don’t want everyone to know your boy is also a girl and you do dirty, slutty, sexy things together? I don’t get it.). That said many of my family know that he is sometimes a she. All of them know he’s married. I get a lot of different responses. My Aunt C wanted me to pass on some make up glasses. :)
So today I asked him while we chatted at lunch, “I just don’t want to feel like I am wanting something, and it’s just me wanting it…” I still am unsure of what he wants. He was very all over the place and saying things that didn’t really answer my question. I think he knew that. I think he feels like I am trying to pin him down and in a way I kind of am - I just want to know. I want a straight answer. Straight up. “I don’t love you but maybe I will?” (pssst, that is not really the one I’m gunning for)
Am I so hard to love?
Why do I feel all this conflict? It’s like an extreme, high stakes game of “he loves me, he loves me not.”. Why can’t I just be in the moment?
Well, it is the hormone pendulum of that time of the month too. Just to ratchet up this emotional issue.
Hormones aside, my desires are valid. I don’t just want more once a month, but it’s like that gentle whisper on the breeze becomes a gale force wind demanding my focus, tossing me about.
"You deserve to be loved.
Side by side, so that neither casts a shadow on the other. Loved with freedom to grow. A touchstone.
Partners in crime - adventuring with a song in our hearts.
Because the best things in life are shared. “